4 months already ......

It doesn't seem possible or real that papa left us 4 months ago today ..i cant believe its been 4 month from the last time i saw him, heard his laugh or one of his many stories..It doesnt seem real. There is not a single day that goes by that i dont still think of him. People say that time heals all wounds but i really truly don't think that it does...i think that as time goes on you just learn how to keep going and keep smiling the hurt never truly goes away. Its amazing for me to watch Ava still talk about papa all the time, she remembers him and she got to do some awesome things with him before he passed i love that she keeps his memory alive. I still visit papa a few times a week useally on tues and thurs when im going to pick ava up from school i stop by the cemetery to talk , to cry to just be near papa again even though i know hes with me hes always around causing trouble and checking up on all of us. Anyway this is going to be short and sweet today because i just want to good hug my babies ... 

Tuesday can be as bad as Monday !

Today was a long day.... Well actually long doesn't begin to cover it . Ugh! It started at like 2 am with Michael not sleeping well again and him and I ending up on the couch. I know it doesn't seem bad and really it's not and I don't mind being up with him but the couch has been killing my back lately so that sucks a bit. I think I need a chiropractor ..again hah .
The rest of the day was ok Ava had a tough afternoon when she got home from her dads and fighting with her takes alot out of me now especially while my meds are off.
I went to my medication dr yesterday to find out that the receptionist sent the wrong dosage in for my script so he was like double medicating me ... Great ... So that's why I've been feeling so crappy . Gutta love it . Hopefully things will turn around soon !

another day .....

I really need to get more consistent with my blogging i always find myself with a million things i want to write about but i never give myself the time to do it ..im going to work on that ... truly i am. Its been an okay couple of weeks.. im having some medication issues and that tends to throw off my entire system so hopefully that will be back on track soon so ill be feeling a little more human again ! I don't know how Alex deals with me i really truly don't. I am not an easy person to be around when my meds are going all crazy and i don't know why but alot of times much of it gets taken out on Alex and he is so so good and really tries to not take much of it personally ..i don't know what i would do without him and his support !

Last week was hard .. dental work is my number one fear and last week i accomplished something huge ! I went and had 5 hours of sedation dental work done and am now almost completely done with all the work i need ! Such a great feeling ! This time around was a hard recovery but im so glad to be past it now !

Its now just a little over 3 months from when we lost papa and its still hitting hard.. but im getting better im trying to get out of the house more and really push myself to be happy and keep on going because i know papa wouldn't want me sitting around crying all day . . its still hard so so hard because i just miss him so much and there are so many times i just want to call him to tell him something ...Ava has been talking about papa a lot lately as well...she got him some flowers and went and put them at the cemetery last weekend Ava said she really liked being there and getting to visit papas special place .. it was nice and really made me feel good .. I am so proud of the young lady ava is becoming she is wise beyond her years and she really does amazing me all the time !

Ive made another big step in the right direction, ive gotten really friendly with a girl i knew many years ago Kyra she happens to have a son about the same age as Michael and has many of the same views and thoughts about kids and well life and family in general ! I have found such a great friend in her lately its amazing . Im proud of myself for actually following through and making plans and going and doing things again its an amazing feeling .

I hate to cut this short but i just realized how late its getting and ive got to get everyone ready Avas got school and Michael and i have a play-date

Until next time

Its been awhile

I haven't gotten to write much lately as things have been just so so crazy around my house lately .Everyone is still taking papas passing so so hard its tearing my family apart. . . that on top of some other issues another family member has been having its been tough.I am finally starting to feel human again although some days are still harder than others there are always those moments and memories that just hit you so hard at the worst times and just break you down. I still go and visit papa a few times a week , i stop by his grave site to sit and talk, and cry and tell him everything that's going on. It really has been good for me . I hate an amazing experience last week that im sure many people would call crazy but i think it was real. I had a dream and papa was in my dream, but it wasn't my grandfather sick and just trying to pull through it was him healthy. happy. smiling and laughing. He was with me and it was amazing. When i woke up from that dream i woke up with a calm feeling and i felt the best i have felt in months. I feel like it was him letting me know that hes ok hes healthy and happy and free now . I just selfishly wish he was all those things here with us, but ill take what i can get .

My poor ava is so so sick right now she has such a bad cough and cold and im afraid its turning into something more ..ugh its that time of year for her ! i know shes sick because shes been laying on the couch for about 2 hours just relaxing and if you know ava you know she never lays around during the day...hopefully with all the fluids ive been pushing and cough and cold meds ill have caught it in time and she will be on the mend once again ! 

im trying to work hard at getting my at home business up and going its just trying to get the word out there ..ugh .. oh well ive gutta get going another busy day of mommy life today :-) .

When does it get easier

... i wish that i had somthing fun to write about today but im just having a tough day and i guess im hoping writing it all down will help me feel a little bit better . I wish i knew when it would get easier without my grandfather ..i truely do but it seems like as the days go on it only gets harder. I miss him so very much we all do , he truely was an amazing man and i only hope that someday i can be half of the person that he was to all of us . I know that god needed him more than we did and i know that it was time , he fought such a hard battle and he did it with a smile most of the time . Never once did he complain he always had somthing positive to say about it all i just have to wounder why is it the people that do so much good that suffer the most . I am thankful that i have had 27 amazing years with my grandfather and i truly did have lots of time with him i spent more time with him and my grandmother than i did at my own house and when i look back i wouldnt change it for a second. Its funny in 27 years not once do i ever remember being upset with him for anything he always had nothing but support , laughter and lots of m and ms for all of us . Walking into my grandmothers house is so hard i hate not hearing him yell for the kids as soon as he saw us open the door, i would give anything in the entire world for just one more day , one more smile , one more joke  anything . I hate that i cant get over this and i hate that it gets worse everyday. I know that i will get through it , ill never get over it and ill never forget it but ill get through it and i know that hes with me .. alot i can feel it and i see the signs everywhere so i talk to him alot ..all the time whenever somthing is bothering me .. i talk to him and it seems to bring me peace .. and ill be waiting to see him again when its my turn to go to the other side , ive still got quite a bit to do hear on earth , my 2 kids need me more than ever , alex needs me and my grandmother needs us all so much . so until we meet again papa know that you are never far from my mind ... and we all think about you all the time .. here i go again crying as i write this .. it will stop sometime right ? 


May you always walk in sunshine and gods love around you flow ,for the happiness you have us , no one will ever know. It broke our hearts to lose you but you did not go alone a part of us went with you the day god called you home . A million times we've needed you a million times we've cried. If love could have only saved you , you never would have died. 

Snow days...

Another crazy morning at my house ! Kids are both off the walls and want to play in the snow already....im going to attempt to hold them off until after breakfast ! (seems fair if you ask me !) Although anyone who knows me knows i would love to just keep them inside all day because i am just not a fan of being outside especially when its cold out! 

Last night was nice ..i got to go out to dinner and have a nice long all ADULT conversation ..that doesnt happen very much with the two kiddos running around ! Poor Ava though has had 3 deaths in about 6 months that have really effected her and shes trying to process it all, first her dad and his wife has their pug dog die a week before they got married. This was especially hard on ava because she was supposed to walk down the isle with the puppy . Then about a month ago we had my grandfather die who both of my kids were very close to and spent a great deal of time with even when papa was in his final days the kids always went to see him and spend time with him. Then about a week ago avas father lost his mother to a heart attack and that has taken a toll on ava as well. Ava prays everynight before she goes to bed and last night she asked for help saying her prayers. Ava wanted to pray for god to please send papa, nana and puggy back because she misses them so much. I hate not being able to make it all better and i wish that i could get all those people back ! This parenting stuff doesnt get any easier ..i think it only gets harder as time goes on.

Personally im also saying a prayer for a family i begin talking to a few months back , i started messaging with the wife from a page on Facebook called Brian's Belief , they have kept a page of his struggles dealing with cancer through all of his ups and downs and now through the end of his journey on hospice , many of the struggles have been similar to my grandfather and i have found comfort in having someone else to talk to . They dont believe that he is going to make it through the day today so if you could say a prayer or send good vibes whatever you do .. in to send this family comfort...on what i know is a very hard /sad and scarey day ...

Brian's Belief

until next time 

Suzie

First times a charm ..

So here i go .. ive been talking about blogging for a long time and i finally found a few minutes to start it , ill warn you im not the best writer or the most creative but ill do the best i can :-) .

Anyways i guess ill start this first one telling you a little about myself. I'm Susan im 27 years old and i have 2 of the most amazing kids you'll ever meet ! I have a 4 year old little girl named Ava May (her dad and i are no longer together but he is still in her life ) and an almost 2 year old little boy named Michael Allen.(I am with Michael s father). I am engaged to a man that completely turned my life around and has taken (along with his entire family) my daughter into his life . 

Im currently lucky enough to be a stay at home mom , it is by far the hardest job i have ever had, but also the most rewarding. My kids make me crazy but i love them more than anything in the world and would be lost without them.

I suffer from depression and anxiety its not an easy road for myself or my loved ones , i currently am on 2 medications that finally seem to have helped me but its an everyday struggle that im always dealing with and trying to concur.

I recently lost one of the most important men in my life and i still haven't truly come to terms with it. My grandfather was one of the most amazing men you will ever meet, he was truely like another father to me and i am still completely lost without him, i am hoping that writing about him will also help me deal with the loss.

Anyways thats just a little peak at who i am before you jump into my blogging. I hope you enjoy it because im sure it will be just a little bit of everything ! 

Take Care 

Suzie